Bittersweet.
So I guess I’m finally coming the the realization that High School has ended…College is here and is going to come at me with all it’s got. I cant help but feel scared out of my mind. The only reason I feel like that is because I don’t understand this. It’s new and that has always scared me. I feel like I’m ready, but I’m not. Inside there are two voices- One that tells me this is what I have worked for my entire life to get to this moment right now. The other is telling me that I will fail miserably and settle for less. I can’t help but have two voices always echoing in my head. Sadly, a misperception that many have is that I’m always someone that is happy, optimistic, and someone that will stay that way. The reality is that I’m human too. With my optimistic attutude comes one that will always tend to motivate me but hurt me all at the same time. My internal self has a self-destructive side. One that if I was to hurt enough, would overcome my entire life. Its done it once and wreaked havoc on my once young and impressionable self. But who’s to say it wont happen again. I need to have that other voice echoing louder than the other because only I can do it. I’m stubborn. Always have been. I do the opposite when one tells me not to. I guess it runs in my blood. But I can’t let that side of me get in my way. I have always told myself I have a goal achieve it. Now I know my goal. Self driven, Self cared for, Self destructive. When I went to lunch, I couldn’t help but see the same qualities in myself :(
I need this to convince myself that I can do this. Only I will be able to turn this around. Only I can really do this on my own. I will take care of myself, others, and be who I want to be along the way. A good person, with heart and perseverance with the courage to keep going. Of course, I may get lost sometimes, but I just have to always find my way back. I can and I will says voice one. I believe it too.
I know who I am and I’m only sad that you don’t know who you are. You play it off as if you do and sadly I just look at you and know that you are just as lost as many other people in this world. Please don’t take it out on me. I have only tried to help you. I have only tried to tell you what I think is best. Isn’t that what friends do? I guess youre done with me too. It’s okay, I’ll always be here if you need me, but I’m just sad I can no longer say the same on your part. I honestly don’t know what I did other than care and be who I always have been, and I’m sorry if that bothers you now.
