Second Chances.
Have I given up on humanity? Have I truly come to believe that all people are bad? My faith in people has been tested over and over again. A text from you here and there, seeing you have something I’ve given you, waiting for you to come back into my life. Truth is, I can’t help but believe these people are good. I can’t help but hope for a better tomorrow for them cause I feel that’s just what my heart tells me. Is it wrong to excuse the deeds these people have done? Is it wrong to think that people will always have a dark side, but I’ve learned to look at the light? I love them. I can’t help but love them for their flaws, their weaknesses, their strengths, and their worlds. I can’t help but hold them dear to my heart. Is it wrong that I can’t let go? Is it wrong for me to believe that they are going to change? Everyone deserves a new tomorrow despite what they’ve done. Believe it or not we all make mistakes in our lives. The beauty of life is that it gives us a new day to celebrate and be happy with. It give us something to hope for.
I’ve thought about you a lot since I’ve been down here. I’m slowly making my decisions in my head.
Rock
Right now I feel like a rock. Stubborn and hard headed. Still and steady, but destined to be chiseled into something greater. But I’m stuck as this rock until that tool of change comes to make me into that great something.
If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.
You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.
But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.
Turning back the clock.
Sometimes I wonder if time just wants me to remember a time when everything was insane to test my sanity. Sometimes I think its a mind game to feel the same way I did a few years ago to make me think something is wrong with me. My interpretation of what is going on is simple to me and only me. Things are catching up with me and I can’t control it. I feel helpless to the direction I am heading once again. Its an unwilling willingness to go back to my safe place. My safe place all on my own.
You know I wonder day by day if this quote is true. The ones that take the time out of their day to appreciate your existence and to go out of their way to say I’m happy to have you. Those are the people you love. Those are the ones worth keeping. What about the ones who others believe are worth fighting for? The ones who deemed the one fighting not worth dealing with anymore. The ones left behind in the fight of just being able to stay in someone’s mind and think about. I think about a lot of people that go in and out of my life. The ones that make that attempt and the ones that no longer do. It’s sad this fallout. I mean there are people in this life that I felt were worth the effort, that I knew were worth it.
As a side note, make the people that you feel are in your life for a reason feel as special as they are to you.
I took this trip down memory lane a while ago and it made me think about all the things I must work on and the things that continuously bring me down. The internal self worth meter has a tendency to fade as I drift in the masses. Statistically a number that got into UCLA and one with no impact on the life I see around me. I am a number. No longer an individual with any long lasting impression I must leave on this world. I know I will be more than that. I am destined for something, but what?
Thank you.
Thank you for trying. I feel a lot better now about a lot of things. I’m so glad I found you. Yeah. :)
Shoulders that bear burdens.
To you:
Honestly, there are things in life you never thought that would happen to you. Things you can’t control, things you can’t explain, and things you can are the components of life that just have to be.
Regret.
I’ve said before not to regret things in your life that you can no longer control. This is still true, but I do believe it does help us become better people. I want to change for you all. I miss you guys so much and with events like these I can’t help but say I do regret. I do wish I could go back and make things better, stick a band aid on you and hold you forever so nothing bad could ever happen.
Truth.
The truth may set you free or be a constant reminder of your mistakes. You screwed up, big time. The truth is not always good. The truth is something that not everyone wants to know or sometimes even needs to know.
Sadness.
My heart weeps for us all as we continue through this terrible ordeal. I will never forget this. This is a tough time for us all and I know just how much it hurts. I can’t imagine what you’re going through my dears. Just know I’m here as a shoulder for you all to cry on.
Strength.
You have all been strong inside. You have made it this far and you all have that strength to make it through this as well. If you feel weak, lean on me. I will help make you strong again and push you through. It may take a while but we can do this.
Love.
Know that I love you guys with all my heart and nothing will ever change that. You have a special place in my heart and I will always take care of you should you ever need me, okay?
Hope.
The world needs people to hope for them even when they can’t hope themselves. I know I was here to help people. I know I’m here to hope for better things for all of us involved.
Forgiveness.
No matter how angry you are at a person, no matter how much they have hurt you, you need to forgive them. It takes a better person to forgive because everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has their times of weakness and wrongdoings.
We have broken a barrier that I have never seen us tread on. We bear secrets and we need to trust one another with things we never thought we could. We have to hang on to the people we hold dear in our lives and trust them to do the same. Hope for the best and pray for those in need. We have been through so much and gotten through. We must bear that burden together. I love you guys. Please be safe and I trust in you my life, my soul, my everything. I have always worked for you and I will continue to do so.
Love Always,
Bri
There’s something on my mind.
Everything.
Plan of attack:
1. Divide and conquer! Bwahahaha.
2. Chemistry homework! Dedicating time to do it in moderation. I will not fall behind.
3. Take a look at the AP Calculus book again, even if its just for 30 min. Do it at least once a day.
4. READ! I haven’t had the time to really do so, but I’ll make time. Enjoy the little things.
5. Keep organization up. Bed is always made. Binders organized.
6. I am so happy I have Gruff right now. He makes me feel more at home.
7. I hope I’m not getting my hopes up for nothing. I’m gonna have a full inbox again watch. XP
8. I’m so sleepy but I can’t manage to go to sleep. Dang insomnia.
Mind stop. please.
There are just times in life that I just figure we have to do a long introspection and try to figure out what we wanna do for the day, the month, or the rest of our lives. It’s honestly one big confusing thing where we have to take it day by day. I have many things to be thankful for, while I have things I would like to improve. I’ve tried my best not to think about the things that bother me most and to look at everything from a good perspective. It’s unavoidable. This pain we feel when things just aren’t working the way you would like or if you just think for a moment everything is going not the way I planned. I know I am a plan-it-out person. I used to have my life on a clipboard ready for me to face the world as I wanted to lay it out. Then I remember circumstances change things. They change the way we think and the way we look at everything. That constant change makes us think something new about our desires and our needs.
-I want you to try. Just a little more. It’s hard for me to accept, but I’ve had this happen to me before. The fallout. If you really care about me, just do something about it so I don’t have to keep thinking that you don’t.
-A call, a flower from a garden, a letter, a piece of paper with a drawing on it, a text even. Even chocolate, which I don’t eat would make me happy? Simple right? I honestly don’t know if I ask for too much.
-I’m working harder this quarter and I refuse to fail. I refuse.
I’ll get over it
Please stop all the dramatics and figure it out. I’ve tried my best to help but it’s honestly up to you to fix whats going on. I’m getting really tired.
Finals
Go die. :)
mmkay thats all! <3
